NWR The s**t jokes thread

[Dan Vyvyan]

Edward Woodward was fortunate to leave school with 4 Ds. Otherwise he would have been Ewar Woowar.


What do you call a man with 4 planks on his head? I don't know, but Edward Woodward would.

 

[Michael Sheridan]

Last night somebody broke into my house and stole my limbo trophy.

How low can you go!

 

[Phil David]

Extremist politics are doing well in Scunthorpe. People think the centre left there is obscene.

 

[Colin Bradley]

Extremist politics are doing well in Scunthorpe. People think the centre left there is obscene.

As someone now living in Penistone, am I allowed to laugh at that?

 

[Bruce Lang]

"Fuck Off" backwards expresses the same sentiment - it just sounds like you have an Irish accent.

 

[Keith Prothero]

 

[Leigh Omer]

Edward Woodward was fortunate to leave school with 4 Ds. Otherwise he would have been Ewar Woowar.

True story... When I was younger, I heard this joke and of course, thought it was a cracker. However the version I heard was "Why has Edward Woodward got four Ds in his name? Otherwise he... etc." But I then made up my own version which I thought was equally good. It probably isn't... but I have to type it out...

Why has Edward Woodward got three Ws in his name? Otherwise he would be Ed Ard Ood Ard.

Genius I was. Genius.

 

[Michael Sheridan]

Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colours?

He had a reptile dysfunction

 

[Michael Sheridan]

Breaking news: Aladdin has been banned from competing in the magic carpet race series

He tested positive for using performance enhancing rugs

 

[Michael Sheridan]

My teacher told me I would never be any good at poetry because of my dyslexia, but I have managed to make 2 nice pots and a vase.

 

[Jeremy Caan]

I have a joke about trickle down economics, but most people won't get it.

 

[Michael Sheridan]

I said to the baker, how come all your cakes are 50p but that one’s a pound?

He said “cos that’s Madeira cake”

 

[Michael Sheridan]

I was watching Australian bake off the other day and there was a big cheer as one of the contestants made a meringue.

Which was weird as Aussies normally boo meringue

 

[Alex Jagger]

I was watching Australian bake off the other day and there was a big cheer as one of the contestants made a meringue.

Which was weird as Aussies normally boo meringue

That kind of joke is always going to come back at you.

 

[Jeremy Caan]

A man walks into a restaurant with a crab under his arm and says: “Do you make crab cakes?” The manager answers: “Yes, we do.” “Good,” says the man, “because it’s his birthday.”

&

How did the crab get out of prison? It used its escape claws.

And now for the pinchline: competition crowns world’s funniest crab joke